*EURO 2008 - THE SOCCERSNOBS PREDICTIONS

Given the muted media interest in the build-up to Euro 2008 it is easy to forget that it in just a few days, the 16 teams capable of seeing off the challenge of such footballing luminaries as Macedonia descend upon Austria and Switzerland in the hope of being crowned Kings of Europe. If Euro 2008 is half as entertaining as its Portuguese predecessor, Euro 2004, it will be well worth paying attention to. Here is the Soccersnobs prediction of how the tournament will turn out…

 

Contenders

There may be 16 teams at Euro 2008, but few have anything other than an outside chance of winning the tournament. But what about Greece in Euro 2004, you say? Well, sorry to all the underdogs. The Greeks have expended a good century’s worth of good fortune, heroic performances and 1-0 wins. Another triumph for an outsider will lead to a serious bout of hat-eating here at Soccersnobs HQ.

 

Portugal

A disastrous first round exit at World Cup 2002 aside, Portugal performed admirably in recent tournaments. Semi final appearances at Euro 2000 and World Cup 2006 accompanied by a march to the final of Euro 2004 on home soil sees them as one of the most successful nations of recent times

*EURO 2008 PREVIEW - GROUP A

Switzerland

 How did they get there?

Well, they’re the hosts, aren’t they?

 Recent form?

At the World Cup in Germany they actually topped the group above France! However, they did not score a goal from open play and went out in the 2^nd round to the Ukraine on penalties (after a goalless 120 minutes). Since then, they have played 19 friendlies (9 wins, 1 draw, 9 defeats).

Last 5 (most recent on the left): WWLLL.

Top Scorers in Qualifying: (They didn’t)

 How far can they go?

Quarter-finals at best. The group is comparatively weak so they have a decent chance of making it into the top 2. Failure to do so will be seen as a massive failure by the hosts. A good start against the Czechs will be crucial to their chances.

 Any Players I know?

In Philippe Senderos they have the worst Arsenal centre half since “the wretched Pacal Cygan” ^TM. Johan Djorou is another player who Arsenal should soon look to get shot of. Liverpool fans will be anxious to have a look at their new right-back Phillip Degen, and there are old favourites like Hakan Yakin and Alexander Frei to keep you “interested”.

 Who should my club be looking at?

Valon Behrami - Obviously, he is not really Swiss. He’s from the former Yugoslavia. The Lazio man plays on the right and is listed as a right-sided full/wing-back. He has tattoos and a funky fashion hairdo.

 Why should I support them?

Tell them, Harry: “In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had 500 years of democracy and peace — and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”

*EURO 2008 PREVIEW - GROUP B

 Germany

 How did they get there?

In the same group as the Czechs, Germany also qualified with ease (won 8, drew 3, lost 1).

Top Scorers in Qualifying:  Podolski (8), Klose (7), Hitzlsperger/Schweinsteiger (4)

 Recent Form?

Finished 3^rd in the World Cup on home soil two years ago after they failed to survive the group stage in Euro 2004.  Since securing qualification, ze Germans have taken their foot off the gas and have scraped through some tricky friendlies in the past week, drawing 2-2 with Belarus and narrowly beating Serbia 2-1.

Last 5 (last 4 - friendlies): WDWWD

 How far will they go?

They are the bookies’ favourites to lift the trophy. Theirs is by far the easier half of the draw, so failure to reach the final would be a massive disappointment. They should really top the group as well. Bescarfed manager Joachim Low has been credited with transforming the German national side from a Dinosaur into… a big strong animal that isn’t slow, or extinct. They are now ruthlessly effective against the weaker sides but can they beat the other big teams?

 Any Players I Know?

Jens Lehmann, Lahm, Metzelder, Mertesacker, Frings, Schweinsteiger, Ballack, Klose, Neuville (be warned - he has really lost his hair!!), und “Der Hammer” Thomas Hitzlsperger, not to mention 2006 golden boy Lukas Podolski - you’ve seen them, you know them, you’ve put your money on them scoring all their penalties.

 Who should my club be looking at?

Mario Gomez is the best player yet to stake a claim in the first team (for now). The goal-machine is prepared to leave Stuttgart but only for Champions League football.

 Why should I support them?

You might as well. You rarely get a chance to watch a tournament where you don’t fear your team playing them so you should make the most of it. They are attacking and they will probably still be involved in it right up to the very end as well! Go on, wouldn’t you rather they won than the Italians, Spanish and especially the French???

*EURO 2008 PREVIEW - GROUP C

 Italy

 How did they get there?

Italy finished top of a tricky group ahead of France, Ukraine and a resurgent Scotland with a record of 9 wins, 2 draws, and 1 defeat. Tellingly, the 1 defeat was away against France, who also managed a draw on Italian soil.

Top Scorers in Qualifying:  Luca Toni (5), Inzaghi (3), Quagliarella/Di Natale (2)

 Recent Form?

World Champions. Not so good at the last Euros though as the notoriously slow starters failed to progress from a stodgy group.

Last 5 (last 3 friendlies): WLWWW

 How far will they go?

Manager Donadoni has kept much of the team from Germany together and they again have strength in depth in every position. This is by far the hardest group, but it is usually the hard games that the Italians do best in. If they make it out of the group the rest will seem easy and the world champions are certainly contenders to lift the trophy in Vienna.

 Any Players I Know?

Too Many to mention. Only Panucci has played in England. Midfield enforcer Rino Gattuso played in Scotland for Rangers in his early years. No Cannavaro however. The Captain was injured by defensive rival Chiellini in training. Cynical.

 Who should my club be looking at?

They should have snapped up defensive rock Andrea Barzagli from Palermo but they are too late now. Wolfsburg picked him up last week for a song (£6 Million). Attackers Quagliarella and Aquilani would certainly be worth taking a look at. The potential Schillaci of the tournament could be Antonio Di Natale. Take note.

 Why should I support them?

Under Donandoni, Italy have continued to play the more expansive game they played under World Cup winning manager Marcello Lippi. Gone are the boring 1-0 Italy of old. They still no how to defend, mind. But they are a far more attractive 1-0 team now.

 

*EURO 2008 PREVIEW - GROUP D

Greece

How did they get there?

Pretty easily. 10 wins, 1 draw, and 1 defeat in a poor Group where noisy neighbours Turkey were runners up.

Top Scorers in Qualifying: Gekas (5), Basinas/Kyrgiakos/Charisteas/Liberopoulis (3)

 Recent Form?

Groan. Defending Champions. Did not make it to Germany. They did manage to win 2-1 away against Portugal recently.

Last 5 (all friendlies): DLWWW

 How far will they go?

They’re back. They are still ugly, but obviously they can beat anybody. If they can recapture that ‘magic’ of 2004 then they can win the whole thing. Good bet to go out in the quarter final. Dignified, but the holiday must be over by now. Right?

 Any Players I Know?

Stelios is still there and Kyrgiakos brought his big personality to Rangers a few years ago.

 Who should my club be looking at?

Have you ever met someone from Greece? They’re nuts.

 Why should I support them?

They’re an emotional bunch and sometimes there is nothing better than getting behind a really passionate team with ludicrously passionate fans.

 

*BBC’s Pat Nevin Sectioned under Mental Health Act

BBC football analyst Pat Nevin has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, Police in London have revealed.

Metropolitan Police confirmed that a 44-year-old Scottish man had been accompanied to hospital and later sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Mr Nevin had been writing an article predicting the outcome of the upcoming European Championships on Wednesday morning when colleagues reported him looking unwell and acting bizarrely.

An office worker revealed the former Chelsea and Everton winger first entered a stationary cupboard and began ranting at a box containing a used toner cartridge, accusing it of misquoting him in a previous article.

Nevin, looking very pale and sweating profusely, then stormed into the office of BBC Online’s sport editor, Mihir Bose, and submitted his European Championships preview, which said of Russia’s chances, “I would keep an eye out for them and can see them getting to the final.”

Mr Bose, on reading these lines, spoke briefly to Nevin before politely asking him to leave the room. Bose then promptly telephoned Metropolitan Police.

Reports that Mr Nevin also stripped stark naked, removed Mr Bose’s shoes and urinated in them whilst reciting the Robert Burns poem ‘To a Mountain Daisy’ before collapsing face-up on Bose’s desk are, as yet, unconfirmed.

Soccersnobs.
 

 

*SHINAWATRA: CITY FANS TO BE REPLACED

Tens of thousands of Manchester City fans have been left in limbo after a statement issued on behalf of club owner and Thai Billionaire, Thaksin Shinawatra, suggested the fans were to be replaced this summer.

 

The statement, issued to the three major supporters clubs read, “Though Dr. Shinawatra appreciates the passion and support of a small minority, the position of Manchester City fans as a whole is to be reviewed in full at the end of the season.”

                                      

A senior source at the club conceded that, “Thaksin feels the City fans started the season extremely well, but after Christmas felt they just weren’t pulling their weight any longer. He thinks he can find better fans to replace them.”

 

The source went on to concede that Dr Shinawatra has a number of other “personal” reservations about a large proportion of City fans he sees as “badly-dressed, oafish, and too ugly to be permitted to breed.”

                                

Indeed, it is rumored that Dr Shinawatra first became attracted to buying the club because of its largely impoverished working class support base - mirroring the support base he enjoyed politically in Thailand.  Insiders now say, however, that the Chairman has become disgruntled with City fans, who he accuses of “false poverty”, whereby a large percentage will line dole queues but still drive sports cars and subscribe to premium Sky Television packages.

 

Shinawatra is also reported to be privately “sick to the back teeth” of fans constantly singing terrace favourite, Blue Moon, which he sees as “repetitive, tuneless, and de-motivational”. He is, however, said to have been hugely impressed by the singing of Rangers fans last Wednesday before their team’s Uefa Cup Final in Manchester. Their signature tune “Simply the Best” by Tina Turner, as well as their anti-Celtic favourite, “The famine’s over, why don’t you go home?”, are said to have particularly entertained the City chairman.

 

It is thought Shinawatra has even privately set aides the task of recruiting new City fans with a similar level of passion to these Rangers fans as well as those captured on CCTV in the hours immediately following the Glasgow club’s defeat in Wednesday’s European final.

 

Our club source went on to reveal that, in a more politically-motivated move, Shinawatra, who allegedly presided over the extrajudicial killings of 2,500 Thais in one three-month period at the start of 2003 during the notorious “war on drugs”, plans to replace the club’s motto, “Superbia in Praelia” (Pride in Battle), with “If you sell drugs, I’ll have you F**cking killed you motherf**cker”.

                                               

City fans, for their part, are said to have been left shell-shocked by the planned changes. One fan told me he could not have ever imagined that a club who averaged 30,000 attendances while the club was playing in the 3^rd tier of English football could ever contemplate sacking those incredibly patient, loyal fans.

 

 

*WENGER: “WE WILL WIN LOTTERY!”

Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, has sensationally claimed that his team will win the National Lottery.

 

The Gunners boss emerged from a trying week with the north London club in defiant mood and began Monday morning’s press briefing with all guns blazing.

 

After being knocked out of the Champions League by Liverpool in midweek and then losing at Old Trafford in Sunday’s do-or-die league encounter with bitter rivals Manchester United, a defeat which effectively ended Wenger’s quest for a 4^th Premiership crown, the Frenchman assured disillusioned fans that his side would emerge victorious in Wednesday’s crucial Lotto draw presented by Jenni Falconer.

 

On entering Shivas Newsagents on Highbury Park, Wenger told assembled journalists, “You have to accept you might lose, but what is important is that you can believe you can win. But if I didn’t believe we could win the Lotto jackpot… I wouldn’t be sitting here.”

                                                     

The Arsenal manager’s bold prediction will smack of desperation to many observers. A season that offered so much promise at the turn of the year has failed to reap any real reward and since the end of January the Gunners have suffered one disappointment after another.

 

First came the heavy defeat in the Thunderball draw. Wenger has always used this “lesser” competition as an opportunity to blood some of Arsenal’s young guns. Though the prize is not as desirable as the more lucrative competitions, many fans feel that after having had so little success to celebrate in recent years, more experienced players should have been given the nod to pick the numbers, particularly the Thunderball itself.

 

More recently, Wenger’s side made a botched attempt to win the latest Euromillions draw. With a substantial jackpot on offer, fans were again left bewildered by the Arsenal boss’s selections after he handed pensive defender Philippe Senderos the responsibility of choosing one of the all-important Lucky Star numbers. After much dithering, the bamboozled-looking Swiss internationalist eventually plumped for ‘1′.

 

“It was utterly incompetent. ‘1′ almost never comes up. Senderos has never been good enough to choose numbers for the big draws. I’m just so disappointed. I mean… he wasn’t even close!”, despaired one exasperated fan after numbers ‘5′ and ‘7′ were drawn.

 

Wenger has risked much in making this latest declaration and more criticism of his decision-making ability is certain to follow after he revealed that he intends to purchase only 1 ticket for Wednesday’s massive £2.5M draw.

 

“I believe just 1 ticket is necessary to select the numbers we need to win… I believe very much in my squad and if we can recapture the spirit of the San Siro, we will be victorious”, he explained.

 

WHAT NUMBERS SHOULD ARSENAL PICK FOR THE BIG DRAW? SHOULD SOBBING SENDEROS BE GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE TO SHINE? IS THIS WENGER’S LAST CHANCE AT SAVING ARSENAL’S SEASON? PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW…

*Let’s get Serious: Why can’t people understand the rules anymore?

The last seven days have produced plenty of talking points in the world of football. These have mainly centred around the three Rs: Referees, Respect and the Rules of the game.

First, there was the events at White Heart Lane on Wednesday evening. Then came a few home truths in the Sunday papers from ref supremo Keith Hackett. And finally, there was the ‘contentious’ sending off of Javier Mascherano in Sunday’s disappointing encounter at Old Trafford, and the debate that has ensued.

Let us begin with Chelsea vs Tottenham last week.

Ashley Cole certainly deserved a red card for his inexcusable behaviour. The challenge was poor, and though the actual contact appeared minimal, it warranted a caution from referee Mike Riley at the very least. Cole’s subsequent reaction to his yellow card should then have seen him walk.

                                         

Referees chief Keith Hackett said as much in his column in the Sunday Telegraph this week:

(http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/main.jhtml?xml=/sport/2008/03/23/sfngue123.xml).

BBC Sport editor Mihir Bose then stuck his oar in:

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/mihirbose/2008/03/post_14.html)

In his blog, Bose suggests Steve Bennett, the referee for Sunday’s match between Manchester United and Liverpool, must have read Hackett’s criticism of him (Bennett was fourth official at White Heart Lane on Wednesday) and Riley while eating his corn flakes on Sunday morning, and then sent off Mascherano because he feared receiving another ticking off from his boss.

For those of you who do not know, Mihir Bose is a chartered accountant who then became a business journalist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mihir_Bose). He is essentially a cricket fan and knows next to nothing about football as evidenced by his recent report for Inside Sport from French Football Academy, Clairefontaine, where he claimed that Gerard Houllier’s was the greatest football mind of all time (or words to that effect).

*SPOOFSNOBS EXCLUSIVE - Former Red Turns Pink

In an astonishing revelation in his column for The Observer newspaper on Sunday, David James exclusively revealed he had secretly been addicted to homosexuality for 15 years.

Such rumours have dogged the Portsmouth and England goalkeeper his entire career.

Strong denials by close friends, team-mates, coaches and his ex-wife had seemed to put the accusations to bed in recent years, but James has now broken his silence over his gay past in stunning fashion.

James wrote of his perverse addiction: “I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t confess my own 15-year 20-a-day habit. As ludicrous as it now seems, I spent much of my career puffing away on fags: after training, before matches and even on the team coach. It makes me feel ill just thinking of it.”

Ironically, as recently as last year, James wrote in the same newspaper of his desire for more gay footballers to come out.

In what now reads as something of a call to arms, he wrote, “A senior executive in football said to me he wished all the gay footballers would come out so we could just get on with it. I find that view refreshing.”

“Just imagine, football’s first gay couple playing for rival teams, arguing about offside decisions over the dinner table. They would do Hello! magazine, chatshows, advertisements. Would it upset players being naked in the changing room together? What about the after-hours highly homoerotic activities - indulging in football threesomes and roastings? Would football culture ever be the same again?”, James enthused.

                                                

In the same article, he confessed to enjoying other homosexual pursuits such as yoga, painting, and, most disturbingly, reading.

In this latest article, James reveals how the origins of his orientation began in his early teens after injuring his finger making a save at the local leisure centre.

“Participating in any kind of sport after that was not an option while I had a large metal pin sticking out of my finger. Frustrated and bored, I succumbed to peer pressure… Before I knew it I was on 20-a-day of some of the strongest fags around… light fags were soft.”