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Soccer… for Snobs

Archive for February, 2008

* SPOOFSNOBS – Derby Players: Jewell Was Rubbish!

Posted by soccersnobs on February 26, 2008

It is the unwritten rule at football clubs that players and staff alike keep any heated discussions very much within the dressing room and it is often a wise policy.

Their real thoughts on performances are often kept out of the public domain and what is shared with the media can often be a diluted version.

But there comes a time when the gloves have to come off, a time when the pussy-footing has to stop.

That time came at the JJB on Saturday afternoon after Derby County players were forced to participate in yet another embarrassing performance by the coaching staff, headed by Paul Jewell.

A player spokesman said, “That was just dire. There is no getting away from it. That’s the worst performance I’ve ever seen in the Premier League.”

This thinly veiled attack on Jewell has been coming for some time. At Bradford and Wigan his combined record was 19 wins, 17 draws, and 40 defeats. This unquestionable success has not yet been transferred to Derby County, where, since arriving at the club, he has managed only 11 defeats, 0 wins and a mere 5 draws.

                          Jewell not pulling punches

This inexplicable lack of consistency has clearly taken its toll on the players, who, under previous manager Billy Davies, had grown used to winning.

“Before Paul arrived, we were a team which was capable of getting a win. His arrival has disrupted our flow and you can only bite your tongue for so long.”

It is difficult to deny assertions that the 2-0 defeat by Wigan on Saturday was Jewell’s most abject performance of the season.

Our source went on to say, “I will defend my managers all the way if they are giving their best and things are just not happening.”

“But I just can’t defend that performance. It was absolutely disgraceful.”

And there was a further stark warning from the players, “Some managers are not worthy of being here and the sooner we get them out the better.”

Soccersnobs.

Posted in Derby County, Paul Jewell | Leave a Comment »

* THE TOO MANY CAPS 11:

Posted by soccersnobs on February 23, 2008

Regular deriders of the England team will undoubtedly share this writer’s bafflement at the regular doling out of caps to English players not worthy of pulling on an Ebbsfleet shirt, let alone an England one. I had always found this strange, but one day my ire was further stoked. Did you know that under brolly-toter Steve McClaren, Phil Neville won his 59th cap? Fifty-nine caps? Phil Neville of Euro-2000-scapegoat fame? Amazing! 

I felt it necessary to delve further into this phenomenon. Thank god for the internet, where trivial desires can be instantly satiated. The internet may be used, of course, to satisfy a wide range of desires but, dear reader; I sought only one thing – factual evidence. What I found was startling: did you know 53-cap Glen Hoddle and 57-cap Paul Gascoigne, England’s stand-out players of the 80’s and 90’s respectively, have less caps than Phil Neville?  

                                                 neville.jpg

But poor Phil Neville is not the only one: in fact I have come up with an entire team of players, who despite limited ability have amassed a collection of caps to make the dead-ball genius Matt Le Tissier (8 caps) cry into his daily fry-up. Whether by virtue of managerial stupidity, luck or lack of left-footed alternatives, this motley crew have collected a staggeringly undeserved haul of caps. Some points must be noted: your writer being a mere slip of a lad means only players from the last twenty years are included (in reality, caps were not handed out so easily before then so it’s probably about right); and it is rather subjective list. To make your own ‘Too Many Caps 11’ go to: http://www.englandfanzine.co.uk/records/appearances.asp  

Presenting… The Too Many Caps 11: 

Player Name (Caps, Goals) 

James, David (36, 0)

Mills, Danny (19, 0)

Mabbutt, Gary (16, 1)

Brown, Wes (15, 0)

Neville, Phil (59, 0)

Palmer, Carlton (18, 1)

Smith, Alan (19, 1)

Batty, David (42, 0)

Dyer, Kieron (33, 0)

Vassell, Darius (22, 6)

Blissett, Luther (14, 3) 

Total Caps: 293. Total Goals: 12. Goals-per-Cap: 0.04 

SubsRobinson, Paul (41, 0), Young, Luke (7, 0), Bridge, Wayne (28, 1), Salako, John (5, 0), Lee, Robert (21, 0), Wise, Dennis (21, 1), Jenas, Jermaine (18, 1), Heskey, Emile (45, 5).

SOCCERSNOBS.

Posted in CAPS, ENGLAND, TEAM | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

* Rant about Professor Martin O’Neill-Xavier

Posted by soccersnobs on February 19, 2008

Gazing down upon the Football Universe from my lofty perch among the soaring brows here on Mount Soccersnobs, it has recently come to my attention that Martin O’Neill­ has become completely overrated and I can stay silent no longer.

It greatly disturbs me that the media holds him in such high esteem. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are certainly far worse managers in the English Premiership. For example, I think we can all agree that serial failures like Steve Coppell and Gary Megson have ballsed up far too many jobs for anyone to think they could ever actually be any good; Paul Jewell is so limited that even if he were managing Manchester United he wouldn’t be able to get them to finish any higher than “The Jewell Ceiling”… 17th place; And, my little Snoblings, let us not forget the qualification-shy motivational vacuum that is Gareth Southgate.

No, I would never suggest that Martin O’Neill is that bad, but I have to take issue with all the unwarranted adulation he receives just for being one rung above mediocre. I refuse to accept all this nonsense about O’Neill being overdue a big job like managing England, Man United or even (as I am sure we are soon to start hearing) Liverpool. England Manager? Man United Manager?

Please. We need some perspective here. I put it to you, fellow snobs, that Emperor O’Neill is not wearing any clothes! His teams merely follow a simple football formula.  

You see, any O’Neill player can be stripped down to one basic skill: His “X-Man” mutant ability – a genetic abnormality that most observers would dismiss as a curious freak of nature, but to O’Neill, is a player’s entire raison d’etre.

The “powers” O’Neill typically identifies are: being absolutely massive, being ridiculously fast, the ability to deliver pinpoint dead balls, strangely clinical finishing, or, in the case of Neil Lennon, the ability to contrive to play a 4-yard lateral pass where none seemed possible or even, for that matter, in any way advantageous.

The caveat with these players is that each one possesses only one mutant ability and they are utterly useless at doing ANYTHING else. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Aston Villa, CHAMPIONS LEAGUE, Martin O'Neill, Soccer, football | 2 Comments »

* Soccersnobs Unite and read my Blog!

Posted by soccersnobs on February 17, 2008

Welcome to the Soccersnobs Blog.

Utterly bored and disinterested with all the tosh we are forced to read online and in newspapers/listen to on the radio/watch on television/ etc regarding the world’s most popular sport we have decided to offer THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB (in the UK, primarily) what they most crave: articles, lists, polls, rants etc dedicated to what intelligent football fans think about the latest stories affecting “our game”. 

Don’t you just hate hearing the same old nonsense about how the offside rule is “too complicated to understand now”, how rubbish managers keep getting lovingly praised because they are essentially just shouty village idiots in a suit managing teams that play the footballing equivalent of cancer, and people claiming the English Premiership is the greatest league in the world (despite being ”too full of these diving foreigners”)? Are you not angered that coverage of football is so dumbed down and, in the case of the BBC, completely biased and unprofessional (not to mention, CASUAL - whatever happened to ties and jackets on a Saturday evening on MOTD?!)? Well, here is the answer to your prayers – The Soccersnobs Weblog!

Please keep up with The Soccersnobs Weblog for pontifications on various subjects in the coming days, weeks, months and, we’re hoping, DECADES. We know what you cynics are thinking: “Oh no. This is one of those blogs that is going to become twisted and jaded under the immense pressure of having to be written every single day.”

Rest assured. We are far too lazy to write these things every day. We will take our time before writing to make sure you are enormously entertained by our insights on a variety of subjects and incidents so that, ultimately, we can all agree than our analysis is completely correct.

So, read, enjoy, feel free to comment and don’t forget to tell your Snobbier friends about us.

Soccersnobs 

Posted in Introduction to Blog, Soccer, football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »