*Let’s get Serious: Why can’t people understand the rules anymore?

The last seven days have produced plenty of talking points in the world of football. These have mainly centred around the three Rs: Referees, Respect and the Rules of the game.

First, there was the events at White Heart Lane on Wednesday evening. Then came a few home truths in the Sunday papers from ref supremo Keith Hackett. And finally, there was the ‘contentious’ sending off of Javier Mascherano in Sunday’s disappointing encounter at Old Trafford, and the debate that has ensued.

Let us begin with Chelsea vs Tottenham last week.

Ashley Cole certainly deserved a red card for his inexcusable behaviour. The challenge was poor, and though the actual contact appeared minimal, it warranted a caution from referee Mike Riley at the very least. Cole’s subsequent reaction to his yellow card should then have seen him walk.

                                         

Referees chief Keith Hackett said as much in his column in the Sunday Telegraph this week:

(http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/main.jhtml?xml=/sport/2008/03/23/sfngue123.xml).

BBC Sport editor Mihir Bose then stuck his oar in:

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/mihirbose/2008/03/post_14.html)

In his blog, Bose suggests Steve Bennett, the referee for Sunday’s match between Manchester United and Liverpool, must have read Hackett’s criticism of him (Bennett was fourth official at White Heart Lane on Wednesday) and Riley while eating his corn flakes on Sunday morning, and then sent off Mascherano because he feared receiving another ticking off from his boss.

For those of you who do not know, Mihir Bose is a chartered accountant who then became a business journalist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mihir_Bose). He is essentially a cricket fan and knows next to nothing about football as evidenced by his recent report for Inside Sport from French Football Academy, Clairefontaine, where he claimed that Gerard Houllier’s was the greatest football mind of all time (or words to that effect).

*SPOOFSNOBS EXCLUSIVE – Former Red Turns Pink

In an astonishing revelation in his column for The Observer newspaper on Sunday, David James exclusively revealed he had secretly been addicted to homosexuality for 15 years.

Such rumours have dogged the Portsmouth and England goalkeeper his entire career.

Strong denials by close friends, team-mates, coaches and his ex-wife had seemed to put the accusations to bed in recent years, but James has now broken his silence over his gay past in stunning fashion.

James wrote of his perverse addiction: “I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t confess my own 15-year 20-a-day habit. As ludicrous as it now seems, I spent much of my career puffing away on fags: after training, before matches and even on the team coach. It makes me feel ill just thinking of it.”

Ironically, as recently as last year, James wrote in the same newspaper of his desire for more gay footballers to come out.

In what now reads as something of a call to arms, he wrote, “A senior executive in football said to me he wished all the gay footballers would come out so we could just get on with it. I find that view refreshing.”

“Just imagine, football’s first gay couple playing for rival teams, arguing about offside decisions over the dinner table. They would do Hello! magazine, chatshows, advertisements. Would it upset players being naked in the changing room together? What about the after-hours highly homoerotic activities – indulging in football threesomes and roastings? Would football culture ever be the same again?”, James enthused.

                                                

In the same article, he confessed to enjoying other homosexual pursuits such as yoga, painting, and, most disturbingly, reading.

In this latest article, James reveals how the origins of his orientation began in his early teens after injuring his finger making a save at the local leisure centre.

“Participating in any kind of sport after that was not an option while I had a large metal pin sticking out of my finger. Frustrated and bored, I succumbed to peer pressure… Before I knew it I was on 20-a-day of some of the strongest fags around… light fags were soft.”

*SOCCERSNOBS LONELY HEARTS COLUMN:

Together we can leave the Blues behind - Balding Iberian full-bodied vintage Red, 47, would like to meet loyal companion and good organiser (who knows how to crack the whip!) for fun, frolics and to share long jaunts in Europe. Politics – Must share dislike of America. Sensual – I enjoy frequent changes of position. Do you? Could you be the one to help me achieve domestic bliss?? No Pakos.  

Could you be my special one? – Swarthy charismatic Portuguese M, coming out of bad break-up, seeks wealthy ambitious partner for spicy fling to get back at ex. I speak my mind and can be v. naughty. I don’t play by the rules & controversy really turns me on. You Italian? – Let’s be naughty together…  

Mend a broken heart – Affable simple ginger Yorkshire M in excellent dental condition, longingly searches for that special anyone for any kind of relationship at all. Am willing to travel long distances. Rainy climates also not a problem. Please please don’t make me your second choice!  

Roman Emperor needs his slave!! – Billionaire Russian Dom M, desperate to fondle some big cups, demands subservient insignificant other to submit to plans for universal “domination”. I enjoy punishing and humiliating slaves for obedience. All boundaries respected initially with a view to going all the way before too long, hopefully in Europe. In return, you can help me splash the cash on other frivolous unnecessary purchases. Looks and personality not important.  

Soccersnobs. 

Want to reply? You can do so in our comments section below.  

*Moaning Manager of the Month: February 2008

February was an interesting month for moaning managers and the competition was fierce.

Manchester United assistant manager Carlos Queiroz got the ball rolling in the wake of his team’s defeat to arch rivals Manchester City with a puzzling complaint about his players being left tired after returning from England duty against Switzerland, where 3 United players averaged a gut-wrenching 65 minutes of playing time.

Perhaps he was referring to the epic cross-continental trek from London to Manchester.

Another strong contender was Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger for his harsh criticism of Birmingham defender, This Guy, for his clumsy leg-breaking challenge on plastic Croat, Eduardo da Silva.

“It was the result of a very bad tackle that’s not forgivable… A three-match ban is a joke… This Guy should never play football again,” Wenger complained.

His subsequent retraction of these comments removed the Arsenal manager from being seriously considered for the award.

Understandably upset that no Derby players’ legs have been broken yet this season, bleating Ram’s relegation shepherd, Paul Jewell, put forward his case for winning the Moaning Manager award by launching a stunning tirade against his own players for their abject performance in the 2-0 defeat to Wigan.

“Anyone who knows me knows I might not have been the best player but I always gave my best and still do. I will defend my players all the way if they are giving their best and things are just not happening. But I just can’t defend that performance. It was absolutely disgraceful.”

A Bradford City spokesman, who knows Jewell, later confirmed he was not the best player.

Three worthy efforts, but the award for Moaning Manager of the Month could only go to one man.

After leading his vastly superior squad to their first cup final defeat of the Abramovich era, Chelsea puppet overlord, Avram Grant, deservedly claimed the prize, firstly for his assertion that Wayne Bridge’s forearm juggling of the ball in Chelsea’s penalty area did not constitute a penalty. He then went on to insist that blowing the final whistle while Chelsea were not winning was somehow illegal. 

“I have never before seen the referee finish a match when this situation is happening.”                                                                                        

                                                 

The following week, in the face of mounting criticism of his team selection in the final and his general lack of tactical acumen, Grant hit back.

“You’re (the media) trying to hurt the team, hurt the club because we lost one game. Wait with the knife a little bit… You didn’t behave too nicely. Now I don’t respect you too much because we lost one game and you’ve taken it too far. I don’t like it. You hurt my players, you hurt the club and this is not the right way.”

Congratulations Avram for winning the inaugural Soccersnobs Moaning Manager of the Month award!

Soccersnobs.

Who gets your vote for February’s Moaning Manager of the Month? Please feel free to share your views in our comments section below.

* SPOOFSNOBS: Race for Relegation Heats Up

After an amazing sequence of results this past weekend, a total of 7 teams are now jockeying for position in what is turning out to be one of the closest ever races for the 3rd and final qualification place for the English Championship.  

For months now, the number of places has effectively been cut to two with Derby County rooted at the foot of the table – their place in next season’s Championship is all but secured.  

Similarly, after their convincing 3-0 defeat to Manchester United, Fulham also seem destined for a place in English football’s second tier.  

This leaves 7 teams locked in a heated battle for the one remaining qualifying place with Reading, Bolton, Birmingham City, Sunderland, Wigan, Newcastle and Middlesbrough all separated by a mere 4 points and each team desperate to secure a place among England’s mediocre.

League Cup winners Tottenham Hotspur, while only seven points ahead of the 3^rd qualification place, are thought to be focusing on their European campaign and club insiders have secretly admitted their squad is too thick to launch a realistic bid for relegation – this season at least. 

At present, much of the momentum appears to be with Newcastle United, who dramatically escaped a tricky encounter against Blackburn Rovers with 0 points after a last gasp defensive collapse allowed Matt Derbyshire to secure a late winner for Rovers.  

“It was looking a bit hairy there for a while. Michael was presented with a number of opportunities you would expect him to score,” said a relieved Kevin Keegan. 

“I’m really pleased with the application and determination of the players. When you look at the way we threw that game away against Blackburn today… well, it shows character.” 

                                                           

“It was a set play. That’s something the lads have worked on in training. When you throw everyone forward for a corner at the end of the game you risk scoring a goal but you also leave yourselves very open at the back. That’s how you successfully concede. It doesn’t take a genius to work that one out.” 

Keegan’s team has seemingly come from nowhere to make themselves realistic contenders for Championship qualification.